PAVING

They sell you a dream. This dream is the reason why your mother, father or parents migrated to the city of dreams and hopes. This dream is the reason why your parents break their backs day and night. Your parents ignore their own needs to give you a better life; so that you could walk a different path.

They describe this dream as a Utopia. You’re excited to start paving a new path. They tell you that this is where you belong. You believe it at some point; until you enter a huge lecture hall of 300+ students or  a discussion section of 20 students, and realize that you are the only brown person. Every room you enter, anywhere you go on campus you try to spot your people. You get excited when you encounter with one of them, although there is only a few of you. Reality is that you are alone. You have no one to relate to, you hope that there is at least one person of color in your classroom, but nothing. When you do encounter your brown gems, you hold on to them because although you are okay with being alone, you do not like feeling alone.

It is difficult to go on with your life when you feel alone in this so called Utopia. You did not expect it to be this hard but you’re up for the challenge. The stress never fucking ends, sometimes you feel like giving the fuck up but you refuse to let down your people. Although there is white everywhere, you do not allow it to intimidate you but everyone has a breaking point. Stressed, alone and competing with people who are favorited by the system and have whole other different levels of advantages; IT IS FUCKING DRAINING. You literally feel as if you are going to lose your fucking mind but you know your potential. You know who you are and what you are capable of. A few tears every now and then but you definitely never forget to get your shit done and to push yourself further. You can do it.

You’re in the process of paving a new pathway for your siblings, nephews, nieces, and maybe for your future children. Although it is draining, it will be worth it when you will be able to take care of your own; You ache for the day when your parents will be able to quit their jobs and give them the life they deserve. When you change the path for your family tree, when the statistics for people of color who graduate college increase; that is when you will realize that the tears, long nights, stress and the constant feeling of insanity will be worth it.

 

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SOULMATES & LIFE PARTNERS

Many people confuse the concepts of soulmates and life partners. A soulmate is another individual who is aligned with your soul to challenge you in life in order for you to grow into the person you are meant to be. A life partner is an individual who figures out life with you. Both soulmates and life partners can be life long friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, relatives, and other random individuals who cross your path.

Some people believe that there is only one soulmate for each and every one of us. However, i believe that we actually have several soulmates. Throughout life we come across many people who challenge us both negatively and positively. ( Lets not get it confused though, people who challenge you in a negative way and although you do learn from these negative experiences, these people are not soulmates. People who challenge you in a way that disturbs your peace of mind, are people who never had any good intentions for you in the first place.) Individuals who challenge you in a positive way, for your own growth and benefit are your soulmates.Which is why i believe that we have several soulmates. Your mother, father, sisters, brothers, friends, and boy/girlfriends can be your soulmates. However, soulmates come and go. I have heard many times, “She/He was my soulmate” , “We were soulmates but the time wasn’t right”, or “She/He was my soulmate but I was not theirs.” We come across many and different soulmates, in every relationship there is something different to be offered and to be learned. Sometimes soulmates get a little too close and become life partners.

Life partners are eternal. Through the ups and downs, these individuals stick with you. I however like thinking of life partners as people you are not related to. ( It is a given that you are stuck with your relatives till the end, so i prefer to keep them as soulmates. Not every relative is your soulmate though; my sister and mother will forever be my soulmates. ) Therefor, friends and boy/girlfriends could be your life partners. How many life partners do we have? I don’t know. Friendships and relationships come and go, but there is certain people that never leave your side no matter the circumstance. Friends as life partners are there for both the good and bad, the laughs and tears, and you guys help one another as life goes on. However, boy/girlfriends as life partners are just like friends, but on a more intimate and raw level. Which is a blissful feeling/experience. There is nothing better than someone knowing you inside out, vice versa. Which is when people eventually decide to get married, they have found the person they want to spend the rest of their life with. Yet, sometimes these relationships do not last for many reasons. So breakups/divorces happen and these people go right back into the soulmate category.

We do not go in search of soulmates or life partners, better yet they just come into our lives/we cross paths when we’re ready. It is pretty difficult to know where exactly to categorize people, so maybe it should be done once you have had a really long history with that person or maybe you just know? You may think that you have found your soulmate/life partner, but we could not foresee the future. Sometimes things go wrong when you least expect it or sometimes things go really good (which in this case,  you should be feeling blessed) .

But what we do know is that,

Soulmates come and go, but life partners stay.

HEALING

Rape/sexual assault victims rarely ever come forward, both men and women. Men decide not to come forward because of the social norms society has slapped upon men; men are strong, men cannot be taken advantage of, men do not cry, men are just flesh and bones who are suppose to enjoy sex. Come forward and get humiliated by society for being “fragile” and for not liking it. On the other hand, women decide not to come forward because society belittles and puts the blame on them. According to society, women get raped and sexually assaulted for not wearing appropriate clothing, being out late night, deciding to go out to have a nice night with their girlfriends, and lets not forget, “you must have liked it, if not you would have said something, you would have put a stop to it.” Come forward and you are the one to blame.

Rape Culture is super fucked and many have yet to learn what the fuck consent is.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, an organization on campus decided to do a clothing line of shirts designed by sexual assault survivors. They were allowed to do anything on that piece of cloth. My heart shattered as I read every single shirt, it felt endless. The same night, i decided to make a poll regarding sexual survivors who have not came forward. The statistics were insane and heartbreaking. Many people got their soul taken away, their peace of mind got destroyed, and for all we know, they are still just roaming the world feeling helpless and alone. Little do they know, that they are not alone. Yes i know, it is not something that could easily be forgotten, it is definitely a burden that stays with you forever; will haunt your thoughts, give you nightmares, play with your emotions, and make you lose yourself every now and then. This is not the end of you though;

Survivors, 

REACH OUT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. THE MOMENT YOU DECIDE TO LET IT OUT, YOU WILL BLOSSOM. I GUARANTEE YOU THAT LIFE WILL BE BETTER, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER; EMOTIONALLY, PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY AND SPIRITUALLY. YOU WILL SLOWLY GAIN YOUR PEACE OF MIND AND YOU WILL REUNITE WITH YOUR SOUL. 

You are not alone, WE are not alone.

 

 

WHY?

WHY?

Why do we let people hurt us? They tell you those three words and although it sounds genuine, they still hurt you. We accept the apologies and stay. Over and over. It is a damn toxic fucking cycle. But we still stay. WHY?

We convince ourselves that, that is the love we deserve. We convince ourselves that maybe things will change within time. Time keeps on passing but your soul just keeps on crumbling. We spoke up the first few times about things that bothered us, but now we just stay quiet to avoid any arguments. In hope of avoiding another heartbreak. The lord knows we cannot handle another heartbreak. Fuck man.Why do we stay and allow this shit? Is it because we really are in love with them, because we are just used to them or because they fuck us good? Haha. This shit is toxic as fuck and it needs to stop.

Heartbreakers. Tell me, what is the purpose of holding on to someone you have no good intentions for? How does it make you feel knowing that you have hurt someone? Possibly damaged them emotionally, mentally and spiritually. Does it make you feel in control? When you’re in the process of creating another heartbreak, do you feel on top of the world? How does it make you feel? How selfish are you? How insecure are you?

Damaging souls in order to heal your broken soul…

Relationships

Relationships. Friendships.

It is so fucking hard for me to maintain these ships. Somedays I’m on board, other days I’m sailing my own ship. I sometimes sail my own ship for far way too long that the people around me start to believe that i have forgotten about them or that i simply don’t care about them. Which is NOT the case at all.

I genuinely care about my loved ones; my family, friends and boyfriend. Having to constantly connect with them emotionally, spiritually and mentally is completely fucking draining at some point. Giving a piece of myself to all my loved ones is tiring and irritating. Irritating because sometimes the piece i offer isn’t enough. Not enough emotion, no feelings, no connection, they’re just not feeling it from me. Which is upsetting from my part but who am i kidding, i’m an isolated piece of shit sometimes so they have every right to feel that way.

See, somedays i don’t want to speak to anyone. Not because I’m sad, mad or annoyed but because it’s important to me to reserve a part of me for myself. I love keeping to myself and i ENJOY my alone time. I believe it’s important to disconnect from everyone and everything every once in a while just to remind yourself who you truly are, to keep sanity, to keep in touch with yourself. In order to find your peace of mind, you NEED to be in touch with yourself. Its insane how fast anyone could easily destroy your peace of mind, so FUCK THAT.

BE PICKY WITH WHO YOU SPEND YOUR TIME WITH, WHO YOU GIVE YOUR TIME TO, AND WHO YOU LET INTO YOUR LIFE. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO DISCONNECT FROM EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING FOR AWHILE.

LONESOME TIME IS A NECESSITY.

2nd

I finally moved in for my second year of college, my roommates are sweethearts and i am doing/feel way better than i did my first year of college. I was a total fucking wreck my first year. I was timid, i was scared, i wouldn’t dare to speak to other people and i did not take advantage of all the shit my school has to offer. But this year, my second year, is going to be completely different.

I am determined to step out of my comfort zone as much as i can. I will expand my horizons this year, i will reach my goals and set even higher goals ( both personal and academically ). I hope.

Fucking Finally

Writing shit that goes through my mind has always made me feel better and starting a blog has been on my mind since the longest. I don’t know why I hesitated so much, maybe because this shit isn’t private; like my gray journal. I have no idea what the fuck I am going to post about but i want this blog to be about everything and anything. POINT IS that i finally created a fucking blog and that the goal as of right now is to post daily…